Sunday, September 18, 2011

Out of Focus

My life has been out of focus lately.

I dropped my camera a while back and was so excited when it finally returned from the shop. However most of the pictures I was taking were not focused. I tried outside in the sun, in the shade, at dawn, at dusk, and inside with a flash and without. Nothing but a whole bunch of noise and blur.

I find myself in the same place as my camera these days.

After I put my kids to bed a couple of nights ago I flipped on the TV. I laid on the couch and began to feel quite down. Here I was in the same lame place I was every night. Trying to enjoy a few minutes alone to relax after a full day of feeding pumps, IV medications,  lifting, carrying, appointments, cleaning, cooking, listening to my children argue, school issues,homework, appointments, more appointments, phone calls, more phone calls, baths, more tube feeds, more IV medicine, water infusions, more cleaning and well..... you get the point.

What is the point. Same stuff different day over and over and over again.

Honestly this is the first time I can ever recall feeling so depressed. Normally I am a cup half full but at the same time realistic type of person.

I am pretty sure having a very sick son on top of a very needy daughter for the last month had something to do with my mood. Until yesterday I had not seen any friends or been out of my house for anything other then Mr 10's hospitalization, doctors appointments, school appointments, or to buy food for a month. If it wasn't one thing it was another.

When Mr 10 finally turned the corner about a week ago I could feel the adrenaline seep out of me. I could feel my whole being just crumple into an exhausted heap. I finally let my emotions loose and allowed myself to grasp how close Mr 10 was to an outcome that would have once again changed my life forever. I came to understand again how faithful my God is and then I slowly fell apart.

Yesterday my friend came over with her kids for the first time in over a month. We talked, we laughed, we stuffed our faces full of chips, queso, and peanut butter bars. I chased Morgan around the yard with my camera relishing in all of the new things he was doing.  I watched Mr. 10 put on his Rollerblades and ride up and down the sidewalk with his friends. I found myself smiling a real smile again.

After everyone was in bed I popped my sd card into my camera to find once again a bunch of blur. I was so disappointed.

So today I took myself to the camera store. I bought a new lens and at dusk we all (minus Mr 13... he was busy being a teenager in his room.) went out to the park to play.

Focus, ah beautiful focus!

Same stuff.... different day...... but oh so beautiful! Life is good!

Believe.... Prayer Works!


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