Sunday, February 20, 2011

Thoughts On Virual Paper

The process of deciding to move is typically one that involves some thought for most. I am sure you are all tired of hearing about this subject but for me the thought behind this move has been much, much, more then I have ever given it in the past. It is deliberate, it has been exciting, and really hard all at the same time. This time around it is about falling in love with what I need not what I want.

After the decision was made to move, I made a conscious effort to not push any doors open. I promised to let God have His way and for the most part I have done an outstanding job until yesterday........

Change is something that happens in life. For some it is easier then others. Typically for me it is on the easier side but in this process God seems to be using a lot of what I have learned about His perfect plan over the last 3 years to teach me more and test how much I have truly learned to trust Him.

I have spent the last almost 4 years making this home work. I know just where everything that I need is. I have adapted life to work within the wall of my house. Yes a house is just walls and earthly materials but when you have a child like Makenzie sometimes those walls keep life sane. They are the one place where I feel truly safe and when I step into my front door life is ok, I can breath, and the world is less scary. It is my home.

Yesterday afternoon we went to look at the walls(house) that my family hopes to call home soon. When I walked in the rush of emotions hit me. I tried to envision where I would put my stuff, where I would give Makenzie a bath, do therapy, cook her meat, where the boys would sleep, and how I would set everything us to give Makenzie the most space to move. Where the hallways wide enough, could the bathroom be modified, and would there be enough closet space for all of Makenzie's "medical" stuff.

After I had thought about all of that came the part where I began to think of all of the thing I would do to make it feel like "my" home. Paint? Floors? Doors? Yard? It became overwhelming. I think it was at that point I lost site of what the true goal was.

Ya see for ten years now I have worked at making my walls feel like mine. Over the years I have painted rooms, added boarders, floors, pictures in just the right places, and while I have four kids and my home isn't really decorated like some model home it is mine. The thought of starting over in that process overwhelmed me.

When we got home I think I was a bit depressed. I was questioning what the heck I was doing. I was sad. I cringed at the thought of leaving behind my safe and comfortable place in this world. The real thought of painting over so many memories made tears some to me eyes.

So I processed, I prayed, and I felt a peace rush over me. God is teaching me trust. He has been for a long time. I would like to think I have been a good learner!Over the last 3 weeks a lot has transpired. A lot has gone right, and I have felt God all over it. For a moment I lost site of that. I do not think it was the house. The house is just fine. This house is what my family needs. I think any house would have made me feel the same way.

But in the peace I found last night I realized that it may take a little while, but new walls will feel like home again one day. They will be the place that makes the world safe. They are just that.... walls. So today I am feeling much better, I am excited again, and the rest of this process I give back to God!

Believe... Prayer Works!


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