Sunday, February 6, 2011

Lurking

I've been having a hard time the last several days coming up with words to lay out on this blog.

The rush of emotions about so many things have caught me a bit off guard. It is a very strange feeling to feel so good about where my life is. To feel so thankful for the place my family is almost four years after Makenzie's accident. To be at the threshold of so much change once again. Only this time we are facing good change.


Around the one year mark I began to have thoughts in the back of my mind about the long term future. Where would we live when Makenzie got to big to carry up the stairs, would Makenzie walk, talk, eat, and how would I fit all of my kids in the car with all of Makenzie's stuff,  Thoughts that I quickly suppressed because they where just overwhelming. However, no matter how much I told myself that tomorrow would worry for itself the reality of my life was still lurking in the very depths of my heart.

As Makenzie began to heal, grow and life began to feel like life again, my marriage fell apart. My friend offered to watch my little girl so that I could gain control of my families future by getting my CNA certificate rendering me qualified to care for Makenzie with compensation. Once again life seemed better but also so hard and some days impossible. The distant future now to be faced alone, still raged inside of me. My head said plan, my heart said trust.


So trust I did. For another two years we went on with the business of fighting for Makenzie's quality of life. We traveled a lot. We traveled to CA for IMOT and neuro suit therapy and ABM. We left the country and headed to Costa Rica on two separate occasions for Stem Cell Therapy. We landed in AZ more times then I can count for HBOT, DAN protocol, ABM, Sensory Learning, and NACD. Then there was also Florida early on for suit therapy. Each and every time God provided us the way.

About this this time with the help of the J tube and stem cells Makenzie's reflux seemed to be under control. This was a very wonderful turn of events to see my little girl more comfortable and thriving!  

I met many wonderful people in those 2 years. I felt the love and support of those who had been in my life forever (family, close friends) and many I did not even know. Life began to feel like life once again but at this point I really wanted off the roller coaster. The future seemed to be creeping up just as fast  Makenzie and her equipment were growing!


Today we are a bit more then one month away from the four year mark of  the day that changed the course of our families life. I can honestly say that I do not grieve who my daughter should have been. I do not shed tears when I watch kids her age do things that she can not. There are times that are still rough but they really are few and far between. The recovery from these times has become moments or hours instead of days or even weeks. I am not sure how I got here, but I did. I guess that is what matters in the end.

I still believe Makenzie will continue to heal. She does every day.

 

So with the help of my family who has loved me through this no matter how beautiful or ugly our journey has been, the five of us prepare to move into the future.  A future which has been lurking with much uncertainty for the last four years. We prepare to remove the weight of a huge fear I have carried on my back for far too long.  This is a good change I will embrace along with the much unexpected emotion.


So for every worry that I have about the resale value of my home, finding a home within our budget that will meet meet my family's needs for a LONG time to come, what needs to be fixed, or coming up with a seemingly impossible down payment, I pack another box in preparation to put our home on the market. I remind myself that God is in control. He knew what was in store for us the last 4 years, and He knows what is in store for the next 4 years of our lives and in that I will rest!

Believe... Prayer Works!

1 comments:

Oatie - IWillSkate on Ice said...

What a brave, honest lovely post. Good on you and so happy to follow Mackenzie's progress. I know what you mean, i can just about carry Oatie over distance he's 3.5 years old and growing fast. Love Oatie's mum. www.iwillskate.blogspot.com

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