Monday, January 31, 2011

The Monkey On My Back

I have so many vivid memories of my childhood home. Our family lived only one other place but that was LONG before I can remember. My mom and dad still live in that home today.

Every time the kids and I go to visit I can recall playing football with the neighbor across the street. I can envision the forts we built in the back yard, and the garden where we found big huge worms on the tomatoes one year. I can see the dark brown panelling in the family room and recall throwing stuff down the laundry shoot. I remember standing at the top to the stairs giggling so hard while my dad and I played lions and tigers and I can still visualize the little space behind the couch my brother and I would crawl into when my dad can home from work. We would listen to him try to find us every night before he went up stairs to change out of his work clothes.


Memories, oh sweet memories. Today most every house on that block has been sold to someone else and over the years my parents have gotten new furniture and remodeled most every part of the house but I still remember.

I have had a monkey on my back, a dark cloud over my head, and a monster in my closet, for a long time now about something I thought I had taken care of ten years ago right before my oldest when to kindergarten. I thought the home we live in today would contain all of my children's childhood memories.

Our home is not brand new. There are no granite counter tops and the kitchen cabinets need to be replaced. On a night like tonight when the temperature is estimated to drop to a frigid -17 degrees, I am thankful our 25 year old furnace is still keeping us warm. Our backyard has been used and loved over the years but is a mess. My children's friends and school are here. It is ours. It is the only place my kids know.

However, life threw us a curve ball in the form of special needs.  The journey has been beautiful but the degree of change it has brought has been unimaginable. This is not a complaint but more reality. It is was it is.

Four years later Makenzie is thriving. She is healing. She is oh so loved.

She is also getting bigger and still requires to be lifted and carried everywhere. Whether in my arms, in her walker, or in her wheelchair. 

Our home has stairs, lots and lots, of stairs. We have 2 full baths, both of which are......... up"stairs". There is also a step up on the main level cutting it in half. We have three steps at our front door, and more in our garage. They are everywhere.

I spent some time talking to my uncle about some of my ideas for modifying this house. Each idea was shot down. At the end of our conversation his final suggestion and only one that made any sense was for us to move. To pack up all of our memories and start new.

Part of me feels sad just thinking about this. The other part of me is excited. There are some really good memories here but there are some not so good ones as well. I am excited to think that one day.... hopefully sooner then later.....the monster in my closet will go live under a rock in the Alps, the dark cloud will move back to the rain forest, and the monkey will go back to the zoo. I will be able to finally breath a sigh of relief knowing that Makenzie will have what she needs. I will be back on course to owning my house one day, and the boys will still be young enough to create childhood memories both they and I will remember forever.

Please pray that God will open the doors needed and that I would hear His leading!

Believe... Prayer Works!


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