Monday, November 1, 2010

Sharing More Then Just a Cold

We are sharing around here. Most of the time sharing is good.... but sharing a cold is a huge exception!

I woke up this morning to a very congested head including ears that felt like they might explode. After loading up on some cold and sinus medicine things started looking up. Mommy's can't be sick!

I got a few things done this morning despite feeling like I wanted to be the one cuddled on the couch. Makenzie and I loaded up into the car and headed off to the grocery store to pick up greens and veggies for her formula. We took a nice long hot bath and mommy got all of her food washed, dried, and put away in time for OT.

Her OT and talked for a bit about our weekends and Halloween.We started talking about the oral surgery she had had at the end of last week and how she was feeling. She told me that everything went really well but she felt like even after only 3 days on some heavy pain medicine she felt like she was experiencing withdrawal systems.

I do not know much about pain killers but I shared with her the beginning of Makenzie's story. The part where they weaned her of of the IV pole of drugs she was on after 5 days and replaced it with methadone because of the possibility of withdrawal. Now I realize she was on a few more drugs but it was the only reference I had! LOL

That story stemmed tell me what happened "that" day conversation.  Sometimes I forget that Makenzie's OT has only been with us for just over a year. When I reference things in the past I just expect her to remember but she can't. She wasn't there. I am sure I have told her bits and pieces but never the whole thing.

So I did. Out it spewed. All of it including many things from the weeks following. I got to the end and realized that I wasn't crying. I am not sure but I don't think that has ever happened before. It did today over 3 years later.

We talked about where Makenzie was physically back then. We talked about how much Makenzie could not do and how very absent she was. It is in these moments that I wish I had pictures, video, or even a journal to share. I don't. I did not take one single picture of Makenzie in the PICU and only a few in rehab.... like literally 3. I did not start my blog... on myspace.... until October and there most certainly was not video. Even though these moments make me wish I had some of that stuff deep down inside I am still glad I don't. I NEVER want to see my daughter like that again.... NEVER!

I thought about sharing the whole  story tonight but I decided not to.... just yet. I am tired and sick and well it could get a bit long winded. I will though soon, I am ready.

I have been thinking about that those first weeks and months for a good part of today. It has been good. These thoughts are not sad, they are not guilt ridden, the are not full of anything but love for Makenzie and what a wonderful little 5 year old princess she is today..... here on this earth.... with me! I realized something today...

I want desperately for Makenzie to receive FULL RESTORATION


I no longer need Makenzie to have FULL RESTORATION  to be happy.

That is huge. I think that is why I was able to tell the story of March 25th 2007 with out shedding a single tear. It is my story. It is a powerful story. It is a sad story. It is a tragic story but, it is also a beautiful story of never ending love, hope, and belief that God will heal Makenzie. He is still working on that healing every day. I can see it in her and I can see it in me!

Believe.... Prayer Works!


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