Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Absent

I have read all the books on child development and parenting.... ok maybe not ALL of them but a lot.

When I was pregnant with my oldest I had the book "What to Expect When you are Expecting"  memorized. Then after he was born I read and read about developmental milestones. I knew what my baby should be doing and when. Then when the terrible twos.... threes and fours hit I started in on the parenting stuff. My favorite approach being the Love and Logic. Parenting seemed simple.

Then life threw me a curve ball.  Well several of them really. However, I wont bore you with the details of all of that nonsense.

Needless to say my children have been through the ringer. Many things have happened in their short years of life that I could not protect them from.  Events that where out of my control. Things I could not put a band-aid on and fix.

The straw that broke the camels back was Makenzie's accident. Not only was their baby sister hurt, hooked up to all kinds of machines, and unable to move, but their mother was also MIA. They spent a good majority of 2007 with out Makenzie and I.

5.5 weeks inpatient
4 weeks in AZ for HBOT
4 more weeks in AZ for HBOT
3 weeks in FL for IMOT
2 weeks in AZ for Sensory Learning
1 week in AZ for DAN proctocal IV infusions
4 days in AZ for a NACD eval
1 week in Costa Rica for Stem Cell Therapy
3 weeks in CA for IMOT
1 week in CA for ABM
10 days in Costa Rica for 2nd round of Stem Cells
____________For a total of________________
26 approx total weeks that Makenzie and I have been out of town  since March 25th 2007

I do not regret any of these trips as  each one has has helped Makenzie in one way or another. However there was/is always the thought and the fear that I was/am sacrificing 3 of my children to save Makenzie. It feels like there is no happy medium.  Then I remember how strong my village is. I know how well my boys have been cared for while I am gone.

Parenting becomes more complicated at this point. There is now brokenness, loss of innocence, lack of time, and my need to please and make it all better.

When Makenzie was in the hospital I used to joke about the day we went to the store and she asked for a barbie. I would say the day that happened I would buy her EVERY Barbie on the self. That has come to fruision... just not with Makenzie.... more so with the boys.

I have never bought the boys a whole shelf of Barbies but over the past three years I have found myself giving into their wants regardless of their behaviour. I have failed to let them learn from their mistakes. I have let them talk me out of consequences, and I have made excuses for them. I have gone against a lot of what I know to be in my children's best interest's in the long term. I just could not bear to see any more pain in their faces, I didn't want to see them suffer from any more loss, I didn't want them to hurt ANYMORE.  I needed to make up for my absence.  However really all this is doing is setting them up for bigger pain and loss in life.

So this mommy is putting her foot down. I have the knowledge now it needs ti be dusted off and put to use.

Today I asked the boys to clean their rooms. Makenzie's PT was meeting us at the pool for therapy. I told the boys when we were leaving and then told them that they needed to have their rooms clean and be ready to walk out the door by that time or they would not be getting in the pool. Needless to say not a single one of them got to go swimming. This consequence did not come without tears from all.... including me.

On the way home from the pool I notified them that they were to clean their rooms before we went to see the movie. Once again if it wasn't done they would not go. This time we all went and had a great time.

Brain injury is not the only hard stuff, this  is hard too and brain injury doesn't make it any easier. Every time I see the heart break in my kid's face I feel like I can't breath. I want so bad for them to just be happy all the time.

God will protect all of my children's hearts. I take comfort in that fact. This journey has taught my family many things and honestly I can say the majority of them are wonderful life lessons about love, faith, trust, and hope. I am pretty sure we are all be better people because of it!

Believe... Prayer Works!

1 comments:

Bunny said...

Where in Az did you go to? I would love to try some other therapies, etc. for my grandson. Hope you're willing to share!

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