Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Exhausted Air

I think there is something in the air.

Something that is sucking the life force out of mommies with special needs kiddos. I have many close friends around the world walking in my shoes. There seem to be so many mommies right now that are just plain tuckered out.

EXHAUSTED!

I have called several of my friends for support after my really long day on Monday and what transpired was more of a I'll cry on your shoulder and you cry on mine.

There is doubt, lost dreams, guilt, bitterness, fear, physical exhaustion, anger, faith, joy, hope, love, and many tears around happy and sad thoughts.

These are emotions I believe that all humans carry around on a daily basis. Life is a day to day process with a sprinkling of our aspirations, goals, and life plans. Life seems to be centered mostly on self. We all want to be happy, loved, and successful.

Even when a person becomes part of a family unit we still have our own personal hopes and dreams.

When Makenzie suffered her brain injury I feel like I lost many of mine. I honestly don't know what I.... away from children and being a mom.... like anymore. I don't remember what I wanted to be when I grew up. I don't really have any free time to remember either.

I would not trade Makenzie in for anything but after 3 years of running at a sprint there comes a time when your legs give out. That your body hurts, The emotions surface more often because your guard is down and exhaustion has hit hard.

Thoughts of the future appear more often and are harder to push to the side. The plans made before special needs entered your life.... plans that have been held onto even though the odds where stacked against you begin to change. Some days this change is ok and other times it crushes your soul.

A couple of things are unchanging.....God's faithfulness and plan for our life and the love we all have for our children. Even though the future is very uncertain, we all find it very easy to love. We have learned how to defie the odds, get the unattainable, become doctors, lawyers, therapist, advocates, nurses, teachers, and many, many, many, more professions along this journey! We are fighters!

We will survive because there is no one stronger then the special needs mama bear! Trust me..... no one!

On the Makenzie front.... LOL!

She is doing well. Today she started to get a rash. I was concerned it may be related to Strep throat but going by the rapid test that is not the case. We will see it the overnight culture agrees in the morning.

We headed to the GI doctor. This was a new doctor and for the most part I liked him. The coolest thing about this appointment was finding out that Makenzie is now 31lbs!!!! She is gaining weight! YEAH!!!!!!!

When we got home Makenzie's nose began to run and run and run and run! I have given her 2 doses of decongestant and she is sleeping.

So my DX is that Makenzie either has a viral rash to go along with the cold she seems to be getting or she is having an allergic reaction to something. Please pray that she will feel better in the morning and that she gets a good nights rest!!!!!

Even though I am tired... life is so good! I have learned so much in the last 3 years. I have met some of the most amazing people from all around the world. My family has been blessed beyond belief! Thank You. This life is a work in progress and there are times when I fall apart! Thank You for your prayers and kind words especially during these times! The most important part is I have become a pro when it comes to pulling the boot straps up and pushing forward! On ward we go! Tomorrow is ALWAYS a new day!!



Believe... Prayer Works!

2 comments:

Caradie and Corbin said...

Hi Pam, I'm having a hard time emotionally too. Corb's anniversary is on Saturday, things keep hitting me hard...I have been crying so much this month it's just crazy.

Alicia said...

I know I am commenting on this post way late, but I am just now catching up on my reading.

I wanted to say that this post resonated with me in many ways. Exhaustion is a constant state of being for me, and I only have the one kid! Auto pilot is my only mode. I pray it changes soon, because I know I miss out on so much. You know, the whole "stopping to smell the roses" thing?

Thanks for writing these words that ring so true. Blessings to you and Sweet Makenzie!

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