Thursday, February 18, 2010

Why not Makenzie?

Last night I made the mistake of watching a video before going to bed. It was about a little boy that survived a near drowning. He looked just like Makenzie did after her accident. Breathing tube, IV's, half cracked, glazed over eyes. That same little boy less then 2 weeks later was up, sitting, walking, talking, eating, fully healed. At home.... normal.

For that family this is amazing. My first reaction however was why? Why him and not Makenzie. What did they do right that I did wrong. Do I not have enough faith? What is God trying to tell me? What does He want me to learn? I don't get it.

I was talking to a friend of mine who walks the same path of brain injury. We were both honest with each other about how it made us feel. STUNNED!

When I layed down last night, Ihad it out with God. I pleaded for healing, peace, and understanding. I asked what He wanted from me. I asked Him why this happened and why He choose another family to bless with the miracle of full healing and not my family.

Of course I don't think I will ever know the full answer here on earth.

I got to thinking about everything that I would not have if God had fully healed Makenzie 3 years ago. There is too much to list. However, as the selfish human I am, I would give it all up in less then three and a half seconds if Makenzie could receive full healing.

What God did do was give me peace. He renewed my confidence in His plan for this family. He gave me strength and hope through that little boy. I saw a miracle! I see many miracles everyday in Makenzie. God IS the mighty healer. I know and believe that a full healing is not out of reach for my princess! Not out of reach at all.

I laid down next to my beautiful daughter. I watched her chest rise and fall with each breath. I looked at her perfect fingers and toes open and relaxed. What a little miracle! MY MIRACLE! With God all things are possible! Believe that with me!


Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing


This is life after tragedy. It is a short lived pity party. None of you were invited...sorry about that! It is confusion and grief. It is the constant reminder that life isn't fair.... for ANYONE... not just me.

Every once in a while something pops up that just knocks me off my feet and onto my knees. When I fall... God is ALWAYS there with me. He ALWAYS picks me up puts me back on my feet. He grabs my hand and continues to walk down the road by my side, carrying me when I can't walk anymore! God is Good!

Today was a great day! I am blessed. Who is ready for a real party? It is coming next month! 3 years ago March 25Th God gave Makenzie the gift of life for the second time! Now that's a reason for celebration!

4 comments:

Suzanne and Jayme said...

Wow.. I am at a lose for words...beautifully stated.

Kim Savage said...

I truly understand that which you speak of. I often ask myself the same questions. Why Alexa? Why this family? What did we do wrong? Where do I go from here? Am I doing the right thing. I whole heartedly agree with every single thing that you said. I have not only been invited to, but in full attendance, and the host and organizer of thy said pity party. We need this every once in a while. The key is 30 minutes top. Then wipe those tears, lift that chin, cuddle, kiss, and admire the strength that lies within your daughter, my daughter, and all the other survivors of these tragedies.

When I am at my weakest I turn to her for strength. She fought like hell to remain on this earth for me, her daddy, her siblings, grandparents, aunt, uncle, and everyone else that loves her so very much. These children deserve no less from us then the strength and courage they demonstrate every single day to just breath, roll over, eat, and have a bowel movement.

This journey that we walk is at times extremely lonely. Our world is something others can't truly understand. Do they sympathize? Yes no doubt. But can understand what is it like to travel everywhere with quart size ziploc bags, no.

but If you are reading this and are the parent of a brain injured child, then you realize the need for the bag. It is to catching the ever erupting projectile vomit that can spew at any moment with more force and speed then a jet plan. But with a ziploc (especially the zipper one) you can catch, seal, and be sure vomit will not become your unwanted perfume of the day.

With brain injury your life gets turned upside down. You learn some of the hardest of life's lessons. But you also learn truly what love is. I will sleep in a hard rocking chair at your PICU bedside for 66 nights in a row because I love you that much. I will wake up every four hour around the clock to administer 45 minutes worth of meds and breathing treatments for over a year so that you may breathe and live, I will give up my social life completely because the noise of constant chitter chatter is just too much stimulation for your injured brain to process. I will hold you for 24 straight hours to ensure you are breathing when sick. I will cherish and celebrate the very tiniest of accomplishments like you just won an Olympic Gold medal. I will fight like hell with the doctors and school to get what I, your biggest fan, know you need. I will see the possiblities within you, not the limitations set before you. I will, and do, love you enough to shoot for the stars, believe you can reach them, but at the same time accept that if you fall short I will love you all the more for just trying. You learn what it is really like to truly be the end all be all center of someone's whole world. You learn to be selfless.

Don't get me wrong. Yes, you have your moments where you have a pity party for having to be. But, then you do just as you said. You get up and stand strong as that which grounds the center of your childs world.

You are amazing, loving, strong, dedicated, compassionate, and tenacious. You are a good Mom who knows at the end of day that she is doing the very best that she can for her daughter, You will never look back and say what if.

Maybe our miracle, their miracle, is having parents with the strength, courage, and fortitude to try the unproven. God gives us free will. We have the choice to try HBOT, stem Cell, Suit therapy, ABM, G therapy, ABR, SPML, and all of the other non conventional things we choose to try. The gains these children get from these things are miraculous. Finding these treatments is a miracle, and finding a way to pay for it all is even more of miracle.

Stay strong, faithful, and sane on this journey. God Bless you, Makenzie, and your whole family.

Kim Savage said...

I truly understand that which you speak of. I often ask myself the same questions. Why Alexa? Why this family? What did we do wrong? Where do I go from here? Am I doing the right thing. I whole heartedly agree with every single thing that you said. I have not only been invited to, but in full attendance, and the host and organizer of thy said pity party. We need this every once in a while. The key is 30 minutes top. Then wipe those tears, lift that chin, cuddle, kiss, and admire the strength that lies within your daughter, my daughter, and all the other survivors of these tragedies.

When I am at my weakest I turn to her for strength. She fought like hell to remain on this earth for me, her daddy, her siblings, grandparents, aunt, uncle, and everyone else that loves her so very much. These children deserve no less from us then the strength and courage they demonstrate every single day to just breath, roll over, eat, and have a bowel movement.

This journey that we walk is at times extremely lonely. Our world is something others can't truly understand. Do they sympathize? Yes no doubt. But can understand what is it like to travel everywhere with quart size ziploc bags, no.

but If you are reading this and are the parent of a brain injured child, then you realize the need for the bag. It is to catching the ever erupting projectile vomit that can spew at any moment with more force and speed then a jet plan. But with a ziploc (especially the zipper one) you can catch, seal, and be sure vomit will not become your unwanted perfume of the day.

With brain injury your life gets turned upside down. You learn some of the hardest of life's lessons. But you also learn truly what love is. I will sleep in a hard rocking chair at your PICU bedside for 66 nights in a row because I love you that much. I will wake up every four hour around the clock to administer 45 minutes worth of meds and breathing treatments for over a year so that you may breathe and live, I will give up my social life completely because the noise of constant chitter chatter is just too much stimulation for your injured brain to process. I will hold you for 24 straight hours to ensure you are breathing when sick. I will cherish and celebrate the very tiniest of accomplishments like you just won an Olympic Gold medal. I will fight like hell with the doctors and school to get what I, your biggest fan, know you need. I will see the possiblities within you, not the limitations set before you. I will, and do, love you enough to shoot for the stars, believe you can reach them, but at the same time accept that if you fall short I will love you all the more for just trying. You learn what it is really like to truly be the end all be all center of someone's whole world. You learn to be selfless.

Don't get me wrong. Yes, you have your moments where you have a pity party for having to be. But, then you do just as you said. You get up and stand strong as that which grounds the center of your childs world.

You are amazing, loving, strong, dedicated, compassionate, and tenacious. You are a good Mom who knows at the end of day that she is doing the very best that she can for her daughter, You will never look back and say what if.

Maybe our miracle, their miracle, is having parents with the strength, courage, and fortitude to try the unproven. God gives us free will. We have the choice to try HBOT, stem Cell, Suit therapy, ABM, G therapy, ABR, SPML, and all of the other non conventional things we choose to try. The gains these children get from these things are miraculous. Finding these treatments is a miracle, and finding a way to pay for it all is even more of miracle.

Stay strong, faithful, and sane on this journey. God Bless you, Makenzie, and your whole family.

Nicole said...

I fellt just like you but at the same time completely amazed: Miracles do exist and I rejoice with that family. I have a brain damaged daughter, from birth.She is now 24. I have just written a book about the things she says and thinks.. (when I understand!!And I hope I will find a publisher)
because I am always amazed and touched...
Why did she suffer at birth? Why did we have to have such hard times when we had so much work on our hands?(5 childern in 5 years and she is one of triplets)
But When I look back I feel so blessed! She gives as so much hapiness (most of the time!!) and we laugh alot along with her.
Can you believe that some lonely people told us we were luckky to have her!!!
I feel we love them sooooo much! they are so precious these children!

(She is aware that she is different...)

Related Posts with Thumbnails