Sunday, November 29, 2009

A River of Tears

Sunday! Doesn't it say somewhere that this is a day of rest? Hmmmmm not so much in this house!

Makenzie was in a great mood all day and she ate well! Much better then the last few days!

I am so ready to get back to our normal schedule this week! I love my kids but when they have extra days off it really screws with my OCD! Ok I really don't have OCD but some days I swear I am close! Over time our schedule has become a bit less ridged but for me to stay sane there are things that just can't be deviated from!

It felt so nice to have everyone in bed by 8:30pm because it is finally a school night again.

Every time the kids have time off of school I ask myself why I be drudge it so much! Today I was talking to one of my best friends and I was able to put it into words. I love my kids! I even like my kids! I have 4 really GREAT kids! It is not that I don't want to spend time with them, it is that we are still not able to do the things that we used to do before Makenzie's accident!

When they used to have vacations we would go and do tons of stuff! We had season passes to the Children's Musuem, The Zoo, 6 Flags, and The Museum of Nature and Science. We would pick up on a whim and just go!

When they fought we would go have a picnic at the park or take a bike ride. I took them ice skating, roller skating,and skate boarding often!

I thoroughly enjoyed taking them to soccer practice and took great joy in watching them get all dressed up in their uniforms for the games!

We used to go to the pool every day during the summer and we had so much fun throwing the ball, dunking each other, playing tag and showing off our best cannon balls on the diving board.

We still do some of that stuff but most of the time I get to sit and watch from the side lines! If I do go and do something with just the boys, which is a rarity, I feel guilty because Makenzie is missing out and it just doesn't feel right without her.

This is not a pity party at all! It is reality. It is ok! I love ALL of my kids and I know that in the end ALL of them will be ok! It was just nice to put feelings into words tonight! Even though my friend didn't have any answers for me, it was refreshing to remember so many great times with my kids from before March 25. I want to enjoy my kids like that again! They want to do those things again! Vacation is boring without that fun stuff! With God's help and Grace we will get to once again!

Below is a few lines of an article I found on another one of my good friends sites. I didn't copy and past the whole thing as it was long! It is a description from a paramedics eyes of the scene of a child who has drowned. That is not what happened to Maknezie but minus the water part it is exactly what happened to Makenzie. If you are interested in reading the whole article you can find it here This is the last portion of it. This part stood out to me tonight as it is so true of my family's life today! Forever changed!

By Dr Steve Walker,The Daily Telegraph,November 26, 2009

A river of tears for children lost

"There are always a lot of victims when a child drowns. Someone will feel responsible for years to come. Marriages will often end in divorce due to the intense guilt and blame. Siblings will miss their little brother or sister, they will struggle to understand what happened and they will wonder why family life has forever changed.

And to anyone who thinks this can't happen to them, please understand that the parents of every drowned child once believed this too."

Dr Steve Walker is a CareFlight emergency physician

I Believe that God has a plan! I have hope in healing! Life is good!... Prayer works!


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