Thursday, October 8, 2009

Random Vent!

For those of you that are not my "friend" on Facebook I thought I would let you in on one of my less censored status updates.

"I am really so sick of life! Wish I could sugar coat it but sometimes it just sucks! My kid can't stand his teacher, I have no way to buy a new van for Makenzie's chair, let alone have it modified, middle school is overwhelming, preschool is frustrating, house work is unmanageable, homework is impossible, the list goes on! Will it ever end! I want to go back to CA and climb back in my bubble where everyone understands."

Since I have been back from CA I have been in a funk. I am not sure how to describe it. I thought it was just because we were all sick but now that everyone is feeling better and it has not gone away I am not sure what is up.

It was so wonderful to be with some many people that understood my life and what it felt like to be me! Even though we all live completely different lives we all could sympathize with each other about so many things from the point of our children's injuries, illness, or diagnosis to the here and now! It didn't matter how or when our kids became "disabled" they all are beautiful in our eyes and broken in the eyes of this world!

It was so uncomplicated. So easy. No explaining yourself, no question marks when using medical terms, a lot of uncertainty but also a ton of peace hope and laughter!

I know that is not real life! I get that! It is still hard!

When I got home my whole life was thrust upon me. Parts of it in more pieces then when I left. Some of it the same, and many deadlines and decisions I have been hiding from or didn't have time to deal with are just around the corner!

The great thing about Facebook is that after venting those few words I felt like a weight had been lifted. I felt so much lighter and then uplifted by so many words of encouragement! I needed that today! Thank You too those who took the time to send a quick word of encouragement!

I just want things to be easy for one day! I know I am blessed! I rarely loose sight of this but sometime blessed is hard! I want someone to come and clean my house so I can enjoy my boys in the evening, I want their teachers to offer some grace and understanding when our life is crazy and stuff doesn't get signed or homework isn't turned in. I wish when I asked for help at the school someone would follow through. I wish I had a car that I knew would get me around with a wheel chair so I could stop worrying about the what ifs as Makenzie gets older and heavier.... but wait..... then there is the thought that if I get a modified van am I telling God that I don't trust that he will heal Makenzie and that she WILL walk. That I could just drop my princess off at preschool without and IEP and in depth training on exactly what Makenzie needs to thrive in the classroom.

I LOVE MY LIFE! I am just sick of life in general right now. I have way to much on my plate and this one woman show is tired! Some big stuff should be wrapped up in a couple of days I am hoping I will feel more in control and life will be more managable! I can't wait to see my boys off to school in the morning and wake up to my daughters beautiful smile! I love these kids and I live every day for them!!! EVERYDAY! That is what I will keep doing! It would just be nice if I could live a few moments for me every once in awhile! I will get my turn one day!!! Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers! They mean a ton!!!



Janis said...

Sending you hugs!!!!!!

Kelly said...

Hey Pam... Yep, that about sums it up. Some days are just about the hurdles and without those how would we appreciate the peace that comes when we just sit and our little miracles sit up with a smile that lights up the entire room... Mackenzie will have all of her needs met because YOU are her advocate and God has your back. Sometimes it is best to just put all of the upcoming tasks on a list and get focused on the moment. What is working RIGHT NOW, that is where God is, and His grace and mercy are abundant in your life. Put it on paper and take the weekend off. xo kelly

mary clendinning said...

Pam, I cannot imagine doing all that you do. Your love for your children shines so bright through everything you say. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. But your faith in God is what will carry you through. You are in our daily prayers.

Bill and Mary Clendinning

Caradie and Corbin said...

Hi Pam, I don't know if you read Corb's blog, but life has been a bit stressful for me lately too. So I totally understand. If you ever need to talk let me know.

Caradie and Corbin

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