Sunday, October 11, 2009

Me


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As I carried my baby girl up the stairs tonight I was overcome by how proud I was to be a mom to my kids. I was so happy to be on my way into the bed to cuddle with my girl before she drifted to sleep. There is no where I would rather be.

Every once in a while I let the fantasy slip into my head about what it would be like to not have kids. To be single, have a job, live in a one bedroom house, do only my laundry, cook only for me, and drive a little compact car. You know what the fantasy always ends with?..... the realism that I love my life!

Today as I sat in the presence of someone that can not see past their own needs to meet the needs of their child I was reminded how blessed I am. Loving my kids and wanting to provided for their every want and need comes easy for me. I never have to think twice! I may be tipping the scale to the a slightly unhealthy level in others minds but I would rather tip it that way then the other.

If I had to choose between a piece of therapy equipment or a new car.... therapy equipment it would be....unless of course it was a modified van. Or how about going out with friends instead of going to one of my kids activities... nope not in a million years. Oh and then there is drooling while watching Makenzie get a massage from the chiropractor thinking about how good that would feel! Oh man... but I couldn't take one of her visits away for me... although I came VERY close!

I do know that I need to start doing for myself more! It is soooo hard! I have thought about hiring someone to come and spend a couple of hours cleaning every week so I could have more time to spend with the boys playing games and doing homework. It would also allow more time just for me to have some down time without the looming house work! I get a small amount of money per month from DP that is supposed to go towards stuff like respite or housecleaning. I think I just might have to start using that check for what it was intended to be used for!

In CA I treated myself to coffee several times... and not to be deceptive.... I bought it with gift cards. That doesn't really count does it?!!! LOL

I need to start asking people to watch the kids more so I can see my friends and maybe have a small life with adults! I did this in CA! I was able to leave Makenzie with a wonderful therapist from NAPA to go to dinner with her therapists! That was only the second time I have ever paid for a sitter in 12 years!

I need to treat myself to things like getting my hair colored or having a few pieces of clothes that I feel good in! I have not done these things in a LONG time and it is about time to start again!

I will figure it out! I am just so glad that after almost 3 years of walking down this road I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see that one day soon I will be able to love my kids and also be able to take better care of what I need in an awesome balance! God is amazing! He has shown me so much in the last 3 years! This is just one small piece of his plan and handiwork for this family!

To some this whole post may seem like an easy thing to accomplish. You may be thinking how silly I am. For me it is a big deal! For the last 3 years I have lived and breathed what everyone else needs. Today I have been given the gift of peace to begin to start thinking a bit more about me! It feels GREAT!

So for those of you that this comes easy... be thankful! At the same time be careful, always making sure your family is getting what they need and that you are not blinded by your own needs! What a fragile balance!!!


Pray!

Makenzie reaching for the light!

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