Sunday, August 30, 2009

Who am I?

Today was a very LONG and emotionally trying day!

It started out great! Makenzie and I played and then got ready for church. The topic at church was very fitting and I left feeling great!

Then it all began! I can not explain it all but the feeling of anothers irresponsibility and lack of gratefulness and respect took a huge toll on me!

I am by no means a saint and with out God Makenzie would not be where she is today. I have however given up a ton of my dreams and who I was for my family, especially Makenzie! I don't really even know who I am anymore. I am a really good therapist, doctor, driver, advocate, and boo boo kisser.

I realized this a while ago during one of the very few times I have managed to slip out alone for a bit with a friend. Unless you want to talk about brain injury, IEP, bio medical treatment or similar topics, I really have nothing else to say! I don't work... can't talk about that. I don't have any hobbies... nothen there to talk about. I DON'T have any other interests...why... I don't know but most likely because I have no time or money to give for me.

Some days I find this unfair. Some days I don't have time to think about it and most days there is no where I would rather be but here! But none the less it hurts to feel so unappreciated!

So instead of putting Makenzie to bed on time tonight and mooping on my couch, I loaded her up and we went back to church for a praise and worship service. I believe this was the first one my church has ever had and it was GREAT!

Very emotional. I am a mess! Yes I can get through the day, Yes I can be GREAT at all of the tasks that need to be done. But my soul is shattered!

I spent from the second I sat down to the moment I left in tears. I prayed and praised. I tried to reground myself in God! In the love and hope he has for me! Knowing that he can move all of the mountains and carry me over every storm in my life if I just let Him!

Here is the problem and this is were I need a ton of prayers! I have no clue how to want a relationship with God more then I want healing for my little girl! I love my princess and prince's more then life itself and that is hard to top.

Through all of this I have really never been mad at God. I can see him EVERY day in my life and what he is doing for Makenzie and the rest of this family but that is not all he wants from me!

I do still believe that everything we have done up to this point to help Makenzie was and will continue to be from God! He loves her just as much as I do... wait... he loves her way more then I could ever fathom... He has in trusted her to me and I am so proud to be her mommy! He has given me a very special job and his plan has gotta be great!

As I sit and ponder today. I try to push out anger and bitterness and allow forgiveness. I try to extend Gods love even if it is not understood. I push on down the long road of special needs. All that it entails and the uncertainty of the future. I try to figure out where God is leading me and who I really am.

So who am I? The answer to that I don't think any of us truly know. I want to be whatever God is calling me to be! I think I have an idea... but he will have to keep opening doors! He will, I trust and believe!

Please pray that God would be close to this family! Pray for healing strength, peace, hope, and protection. JUST PRAY!


Shauna Quintero said...

What a great blog! My prayers are with you and God does have big plans for our babies!

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